December 2009
14 posts
“Yes, for those who wonder there are other journals online. Sometimes I kind of leave bread-crumbs to get home to them for you. Sometimes I just space out. I also have a pen and paper diary and some letters and what not that I have been typing on my typewriter” are they still there? i can’t get through nights like this without them. it’s sad how bad it gets.
is it really that bad that i just want some affection? to feel like i don’t have to fight for your attention?
this is so empty you and me- i mean we got so lost somewhere in the midst of heart vs. home but you learned long ago neither are safe for the soul he says, “i love las vegas in 24 hour increments” but, i could never love a city that never had my back.
I miss when people missed me being happy. Does that make sense? i’m talk to myself, of course it does.
I wonder if you’ll still laugh like this when I’m gone for good.
i am getting so sick and tired of everything. really quickly. i want to get out of this place, i can’t stand it anymore
‘but im still here and youre still here and if youre reading this it means you never gave up’
I feel more okay with who I am now- sure, there are still a million things I could list that I wish I could change. But, I’m becoming more comfortable with my thoughts and my emotions. I am beginning to grow used to the fact that I will get fucked over and screwed, and people will put me down and leave me there. But I’ve also grown used to the fact that I’ll have friends who will always be there-...
old stuff i’ve written, but i don’t remember writing? Sometimes,
I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because my head is so jumbled. I feel like I’m losing control over myself because I can’t control my thoughts. I want to write everything down on a piece of paper and watch it burn, as if making it all go away. I’ve forgotten how to make sense, especially to myself.
I guess I’m obsessed with the words because I will never truly know what they mean, past the capacity of my thoughts and imagination. Or maybe because they scare me, in a way that maybe they are who I am (becoming). But I could never explain it, at least not so that you could understand it, or I even.
i had a dream i killed myself, when i was sleeping today dklhafiwe;od nevermind.
i am going in circles. constant simplicity. and i hate that
I hate what you did to me. You made me a million times worse than I already was. As if constantly being sad wasn’t enough, you had to tear down any hope I had of trusting someone, and being emotionally stable. Why? What did I do to you? I don’t understand. How do you do that to someone? To me? Two and a half years wasted, and you don’t even recognize what you did to me. And I...
It’s really sad that I have no one to go to for anything. I can’t be damned to open up enough to let people in, and when I do, it’s too late. and i just keep complaining and complaining but no matter what i do nothing goes my way. no matter how hard i try, or hjlsuhfoi’lkm2 n3kjrbhiyg780ywaf]9u-opijk Why am i typing any of this am i expecting someone to read it and care...
November 2009
3 posts
i don’t fit in anywhere. ever. i just don’t know how to interact with people. i’m either sad when they’re happy, or happy when they’re not. and i can’t put aside my feelings. i don’t know where i was going with this. but, i hate everything i am lately
I don’t know why I stopped writing in here. I always abandon good things. Maybe I put myself in this place. I mean, this almost constant depression- I brought it on myself. I just don’t know how to make it go away. Or how to keep it away. I just want to be all alone, and keep you all alone, right? This doesn’t make sense. To you, at least..
I guess my life will be one continuous string of unhappiness. But, I guess I’m okay with that. It’s made me who I am today. It’s taught me how to deal. It’s taught me that it’s okay to cry. No matter how strong I am, I will always break down eventually. But, I can accept that. I may not have everything in the world I need, but I’ve got me. I’ve got myself...
October 2009
0 posts
i wish i was dead
September 2009
5 posts
I always do this to myself. You give me the least bit of attention, and I have to get attached. I don’t know why. And the moment someone forgets about me, I turn into a cold, heartless bitch.
There’s something so utterly fascinating about watching people, I think it’s beautiful. The way we try to hide things, and pretend like we don’t care. We lie, and deceive people, and almost secretly hate everyone who’s ever been good to us. But, when really we just want to know there’s someone who feels what you feel, and thinks the same thoughts, and to know we aren’t completely insane.
nothing is important anymore. and no one will ever look at me the way i want to be looked at.
there’s a million things i want to be, and a million places i want to go that aren’t here. i want to experience people with truth behind their eyes, and passion burning within their fingertips. I don’t want this bullshit. i don’t want to deal with people trying to be something...
the way I see it,
I’ll leave stronger than any of you ever hoped to be. I’ll succeed on my own, because I know what it’s like to be alone. To not depend on someone. To not have to rely on someone else to feed you, or take care of you. I can’t wait to prove you wrong.
every single one of you.
August 2009
32 posts
I don't know
what to
do
say
think
speak
anymore.
except, I’m really no one at all, I know nothing.
i want to shut off my brain.
I can’t stop thinking. I can’t sleep, I can’t function. It never stops. “Do I look stupid? Don’t say the wrong thing. Why do you always screw things up?” It either never stops, or never starts. I want to keep a journal with me, every moment of the day, just so I can write it all down, so it will stop going through my head over and over and over again. Just so...
they don’t fucking care.
stop trying.
“eyes open, never turn your back.”
you have stripped me down of everything I ever was. Don’t care, don’t know. Don’t want to. because, I give up.
stop it
stop making me believe you give a shit about me, stop making me believe i’m your “best friend.” stop using me, stop talking to me, just stop.
please.
I just want to be able to put it into words. But I can’t. I can’t do anything right.
take back everything you said, you never meant a word of it
you screwed me over. you screwed me over.
you screwed me over. you screwed me over.
you screwed me over. you screwed me over.
you screwed me over. you screwed me over.
you screwed me over. you screwed me over.
you screwed me over. you screwed me over.
why do I still care, and you don’t.
things i've lost this summer
my left sock
my favorite shirt
my right sock
friends
my mind.
nobody ever listens,
unless I say the wrong thing, then the whole world tunes in.
“I know you’ve been abandoned, but don’t abandon ship on me”
alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone
and lonely.
it’s always the same.
everything is so
quiet.
always.
I don’t want to let go. okay?
you’re dancing all by yourself you’re dancing all by yourself
you’re dancing all by yourself you’re dancing all by yourself
you’re dancing all by yourself you’re dancing all by yourself
you’re dancing all by yourself you’re dancing all by yourself
you’re dancing all by yourself you’re dancing all by yourself
i want you to be lonely...
I guess I’m just really fucking stupid. I wear my heart on my sleeve after endless times of getting fucked over.
Why? Why do I care, and why do I keep trying, and why do I keep expecting YOU to care. You don’t realize what you do to me and I fucking hate you for it.
fuck.
I hate myself for caring.
We’re human, we make mistakes and we screw up relationships, and we build up walls to keep the ones we love most out of the places that we feel is most vulnerable; our hearts and our minds. And we say stupid stuff, and regret stupid things we’ve done, but it’s all a part of growing up. We embrace it, and pick up where we left off. There’s nights we’ll cry, and curse the world for everything it’s...
I want someone to hold me, and to laugh with me, and to tell me i’ll be okay, even if i won’t. I want someone to love me and hug me, and care about me, and to tell me I’m being stupid, and senseless, and wreckless.
i just want someone.
you want to tell me what it’s like to hurt? To feel pain? well, fuck you
I’ve forgetten how to speak, how to interact. How to think straight.
i’ve only abandoned everything I’ve known. It’s all I know how to do. forget, and forget, and forget.
how did i(t) end up like this?
I feel useless, and boring. Plain. I want passion burning behind my eyelids, and to scream, and fight, and hurt. I want to be anywhere but here. To sleep. To feel something.
I want you to hold me, and I want to break you and I want you to understand, because I don’t. I want, I want, I want, I want.
I need something new.
I'm depressed.
and I don’t need a prescription pad, or anyone with a degree and so and so years of college behind them to tell me that.
No, they don't care.
you know? Why should I?
I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.
I don’t want to anymore.
Does anyone read these? :|
jw, though. I feel like you guys don’t care~, haha.
But whatev, I’m going to keep rambling. |:
I'm obsessed with other people.
But not in a creepy way, of course. Just in a ‘I want to be in their shoes’ kind of way. I want to know what it’s like to be a different person. To perceive the world differently. I want to know what it’s like to feel beautiful, and happy, and on top of the world. I want to know what it’s like to be me.
On the outside looking in.